Desert Rose (thorns included)
by the Red Nothing
Summary: Really dumb/pointless. I'm working on it with my pal, BJ. I've gone to study Hamunaptra in 1926; She and a pyromaniac are busting up the 2001 cast of Survivor. What to do? Be penpals! Will feature everyone's favorite Mummy cast, as well as some Gundam Win
1. Dear BJ...

Dear Bj,  
  
Here I am at Hamunaptra, bored as hell. Apart from the man-eating scarab swarms, the desert raids, the hordes of gold and the walking corpses, what fun is this place? I should've stayed in America.  
  
Anyway, I decided to take a break and write to you. The 1920's are lame, too -I had to go there as well. No TV, no video games, no Gundam! Lucky I brought my laptop.  
  
Speaking of Gundam, I've found an odd braided idol, as well as a sacrificial alter with an ancient female skeleton on it. Further examination reveals it suffered severe burn wounds (probably what caused its death) and, once reconstructed using a program on my laptop, had very distinctive eyebrows.  
  
Are you SURE you don't know how to go back in time?  
  
Kuso. I hate that noise. It's either a bunch of bugs, some Medjai, or a walking, talking corpse again. Well, whatever it is, I guess I'll go shoot it; Then back to the (boring) treasure!  
  
Ja ne,  
Akai Ku  
Egypt, Africa  
Hamunaptra, City Of The Dead  
1926  
  
PS: It was a walking corpse of a Medjai with scarabs inside of it. O.o;;; I should come home soon....  
  
PSS: Uh-oh.... I forgot to pack my meds with me. Err...   
=============================================================  
  
Dear Akai:  
Sitting on the plane with Dilandau, waiting to get to Australia. When I do,   
I'm going to leave him there. In the middle of the Outback. So he can   
torture those Survivor people.  
Damn, he's so single-minded. Damn. He's so single minded. Stop making me   
repeat myself, it's bad for my health!!  
Anyway, he perked up after he heard the thing about burns on the skulls.   
Now he's talking about skulls, which is good because it means he won't be   
trying to take my new lighter out of my pocket. My shiny green one..  
You sure you don't want me to pick you up on my way back? I can take a stop   
in Egypt and meet some spitting camels.  
Bring the skull back so we can clone it and use it as a torture object.   
*cackles evilly*  
Ah yes. Okay.. nothing more to report here. Dilandau-sama's getting   
restless and he left his stuffed dragon at home. You know, the one with the   
built-in flamethrower?  
  
Adios.  
BJ  
  
PS: Did I mention Hotohori was hot?  
PPS: Really hot?  
PPPS: No, really. The guy's got the best Anime hair EVER!!  
PPPPS: Even better than Duo's!  
  
===================================================  
  
Dear Bj,  
  
Sounds like a good plan to me. I like your clone idea.  
  
I'd love it if you could pick me up after you drop Dilandau off, but there's slight problem in that I am also in 1926. I'm sure you could figure something out.  
  
BTW, I found an ancient stone tablet depicting scenes of ancient Egyptian torture. I'll send some quotes to you later, after I translate the heratic. Maybe it'll cheer Dilli-samma up?  
  
*paper is screwed up here*  
  
Ack, sorry. Another corpse attack. These guys just don't quit! They need hobbies (either that or they should just stay dead!) besides terrorizing a lone archeologist.  
  
Let me know how many people Dilandau "evicts" soon, and don't worry, I have the entire corpse!  
  
Back to the ruins!  
Akai Ku  
Egypt, Africa  
Hamunaptra, City of The Dead  
1926  
  
PS: I don't think you did mention that. My brother'd probably be jealous. I wonder how he's doing? Check for me if you can.  
  
PPS: I think I've found another corpse! I'll have info by the time you send your next letter!  
  
PPPS: WHOA, backtrack, YOU think someone is HOT?!  
=========================================================  
Dear Akai:  
  
Today is the first day of our trip in Australia. Dilandau-sama has already   
found the Survivor's camp and.. let's just say things have gotten   
interesting. All the camps are burned to the ground and those torches that   
the meeting places have are stolen. Also, the Survivor people seem to be on   
edge but I can't figure out why..  
I'll see what I can do in the way of cloning. I'm sure if I read Jurassic   
Park a few more times, I could figure out how to clone the owner of that   
skeleton.  
1926? Booooring year. I'd much prefer to go to 1026 or something. Heh.   
Yeaah.  
Zombies.. *shudders and whimpers* Zombies eeevil.. Another time where my new   
lighter comes in handy.  
Ah yes. I'd better get going soon. Dilandau-sama just mentioned something   
about frying ham. I hope he means a pig and not one of the older members of   
the show..  
  
BJ  
  
PS: Your brother still has nothing compared to my Q-chan. XÞ  
PPS: Great!! What kind of corpse? Does it seem to be one of a yelling   
whining female pacifist?  
PPPS: Yess.. Trunks-sama is HOT!! ^.^ So's Nick Lea but..  
  
===========================================================  
Dear BJ,  
  
Today some really weird people came to the ruins. There was this bald guy who reminded me of a zombie (only cuter), a sniveling little dweeb in a fez (you know, those hats that "Quatre's Merry Men" wear?), and an English lady. A short while later, there was a lot of exploding and I saw three men; A gunfighter, I'm pretty sure American, an Englishman who reminded me of the lady, and a Medjai who DIDN'T try to kill me (yes!) with a machine gun and kick-arse hieroglyph and Arabic tattoos on his face. When I asked the latter group what they were doing here, Mr. Trigger-Happy yelled something about "Rescuing damsel... distress.... killing bad guy.... Save the world". He then commenced to tell me to "Get the Hell out of here!"  
  
Does this seem familiar to anyone else?  
  
Anywho, back to my research. The mummy I mentioned in my last letter DID turn out to be a woman and DID have a medal with the hieroglyph for "Peace" on it (I cut it in half; On the inside it also had the hieroglyph for "Hypocrite". Go figure.). I can't reconstruct much with only this laptop, but she does seem to have had honey-blond hair -unusual in ancient Egypt.  
  
Her death seemed to have been slow and painful. I'll bring the remains.  
  
It sounds like Dilandau is having fun. Then again, it also sounds like holy hell. Ah well, it's better than where I am, doing research on dead people.  
  
Actually, the zombies aren't that bad; Most of them can be killed by a a shot to the head! Whoa, what was that shaking?!  
  
Bj, I think I'd better get out of here. The ruins are REALLY starting to shake. I'll write to you when I can; In the meantime, I'm grabbing my stuff and scooting!  
  
Bai!  
Akai Ku  
Egypt, Africa  
Hamunaptra, City of The Dead  
1926  
  
PS Duo's funnier, but _I_ can't say anything positive about Q-samma without you killing me!  
  
PSS: The same goes for negative....  
  
PSSS: I don't have time for writing these Post Scripts!!!  
===========================================  
Dear Akai:  
  
Really? They seem familiar. Maybe I've seen them on TV..  
Okay!! Clone that one too, I'm sure your brother would love to use her for   
target practice for something. *grins*  
Dilandau is indeed having a FANTASTIC time!! Now everyone is giving him   
presents and calling him 'master'. Except for one person who is spinning on   
a spit in front of a bonfire. I'll have to talk to him about that.. *sighs*   
I really do think he's missing everyone else.. maybe I should give Van and   
Folken calls?  
Shaking? Uh oh.. RUNRUNRUN!! Scarabs everywhere!! EEEE!!  
  
PS: Yes you can. But remember whose property the guy is.  
PPS: No. No negative comments. Except for about his shirt.  
PPPS RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  



	2. If I don't get to Cairo soon...

  
*bumpy handwriting*  
  
Dear BJ,  
  
It's hard writing on a camel. Especially when a moron is sitting in front of you on that camel.  
  
Oh well, suppose it's better than being on the camel in front of us, with those two people who can't stop kissing! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww!!!!  
  
Uhm, where should I start?  
  
Ok, the whole thing about the ruins shaking was actually WORSE than I thought it would be. The entire acropolis sank into the sands. I found out a lot of neat crap (does that make sense?) about what went on in the acropolis from my traveling companions.  
  
The bald guy turned out to be a 3000-year-old priest. Somehow, O'Connel (that's Mr. Trigger-Happy, aka, Rick, aka, the guy on the camel in front of us kissing that lady. Eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww) killed the damn thing. Good riddance; I don't think my elephant gun would've finished THAT guy. (besides, the kick of that big-ass gun is tough on a 13-year-old!)  
  
The freak in the fez was a freak in a fez named Beni, a greedy, sniveling little bastard. He was killed either by being crushed underneath the ruins or death by scarabs. Personally, I don't want to know. They don't seem to care.  
  
Uhm, the Medjai dude was named Arri Begal or something... He left on his own. Pity.   
  
The English lady's name is Evelyn. She's kissing Mr. Trigger. I'm going to lose my lunch soon, I swear....  
  
The guy in front me is her brother, Jonathan. He's annoying, but at least he's not KISSING anyone...  
  
I've managed to save all of my stuff, including the mummies, though these three aren't too fond of them. Those two in front of us have a bunch of gold 'n stuff in their saddlebag... Lucky.  
  
Have you ever seen The Mummy? The 1999 version, I mean. This sorta' reminds me of it...  
  
Anyway, these guys saved my arse. That's why I'm still here to send you annoying letters. Lucky you!  
  
So, now that we're trekking aimlessly through the desert (O'Connel CLAIMS to know where we're going), I'll ask about you. I hear Dilandau's having a blast! That's good. *snicker* I'd like to see the poor sap who didn't call him master.  
  
*winces* Then again, maybe I wouldn't.  
  
*scorch mark*  
  
Goddammit...OWOWOWOWOW!! O'Connell just tried to ride off into the sunset and singed us all. He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, you know.  
  
Remember that stone tablet? It has some SERIOUS torture schemes on it. Here is a partially translated excerpt:  
  
----inky-Winky,  
Laa-Laa,  
D--sy,  
Po.  
---li-ub---s  
Come -- pl--  
O--- the -ills  
  
Is it just me, or is this gig getting worse by the second?!   
  
Anyway, gotta' go. I'm tired... HOPEFULLY I'll be able to sleep.  
  
Akai Ku  
Egypt, Africa  
Sahara Desert, The Middle O' Nowhere  
1926  
  
PS: Ok, Ok. So Quatre's cool. Gotta' love the bishe look.  
  
PSS: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......  
  
  
=======================================================  
  
Dear Akai:  
  
I always heard camels were a pain to ride. At least they're not the   
spitting kind, right?  
  
Eewww!! Yes, that _does_ sound slightly familiar. In fact, I'm sure I've   
seen it before.. Hopefully you can come back to 2001 (or I'll come to 1926..   
Sounds like more fun there)  
  
Gold, blah. Who needs gold when you have skeletons? Heheh..  
  
Last night Dilandau ran into a man named the 'Alligator Hunter' or   
'Crocodile Man' or something. Dilandau was ready to burn him at the stake   
until the guy showed him giant fire-ants. NOW.. believe it or not, the two   
are the best of friends and I'm following them around in the Outback. Would   
you like for me to send you a kangaroo or a dingo or something?  
  
Eee!! That doesn't sound like a torture, it sounds like a curse.. *shudders*   
Eee.. Eeeevil. Dilandau's looking over my shoulder and he just screamed   
and fainted as he looked at it.  
  
BJ  
  
PS: Yeah. Duo has his good points too..  
  
PPS: *sleeps and drools*  
  
=====================================  
  
Dear BJ:  
  
I'm glad to hear Dilandau's having fun. As for myself, if I spend one more night in this desert with these people, I'm going to scream!!  
  
Last night was Hell. Everyone but myself and the camels were exhausted, and I had to keep slapping them awake so we'd stay on-track. I suggested we camp (I DID bring a tent), but Trigger-Happy O'Connell said we were "Almost to Cairo". After the fourth one of these I started to doubt it.  
  
So last night was basically slapping Jon awake to steer the camel so I could slap Rick and Evelyn awake. Am I ever going to get home?!!  
  
I'm glad Dilandau found a new friend! I think I've seen him somewhere before... If you could mail a dingo into the past to be picked up at Fort Cairo, that'd be divine (I could sic it on Trigger)!  
  
As for the tablet, it disturbs me as well. I think I'll make my lab assistant, Veggie or whoever, analyze this (after all, he seems to think he's indestructible!).  
  
Well, I have to go; Rick's fallen asleep again. It's whackin' time!!  
  
Ja ne,  
Akai Ku  
Egypt, Africa  
Sahara Desert, Close-To-Cairo-According-To-An-Unreliable-Source  
1926  
  
PS: Those burns from riding into the sunset just won't heal... Ouch...  
  
PPS: Sorry I didn't mention this before, but I think you should call Van and Folken.  
  
PPPS: On second thought, maybe just Folken...*cringes*  
  
========================================  
Dear Akai:  
  
Oh yes. Dilandau's downright cheerful now.. Which is quite odd. Today, he   
and whatshisname learned the correct way to fry bacon, and yesterday   
Dilandau learned about the snake venom which doubles as nitro glycerin..  
  
Poor camels!! Some people can be so incredibly pigheaded it's not even   
funny, right? And.. I doubt you'll get to Cairo on camels anytime soon.   
Then again I don't have a map with me.  
  
Yes!! Dilandau seems happy to send you any animal, especially that snake.   
Just tell me what you want and as soon as we get back to Sydney or Brisbane   
or Perth we'll send it to you.  
  
Veggie? Short with funny hair? Hmm.. I wonder if i've ever heard of him   
before myself..  
  
Bj  
  
PS: Ouch. Better use some cream on them.  
  
PPS: I called Folken, and he's coming over here. Only problem is that the   
people at Foreign Affairs don't recognize where Fanelia or Zaibach are.   
Buncha idjits..  
  
PPPS: Or maybe it's just the fact that he's surrounded by like 15 guards and   
they're nervous of him. Who knows.  
  
==========================================  
  
Dear BJ:  
  
Holy shi!t ! We made it to Cairo!  
  
I'm alone in my room again. Trigger left to propose to that proper lady (no more! no mooooooree!!), and Jonathan's downstairs gambling away and getting drunk. *sigh* He'll start talking about walking, talking corpses again...  
  
Anyway, I'd really love a dingo and/or that snake! Is it biiiiiiiiig? *evil grin*  
  
Veggie is short. Funny hair. With a tail. How weird is that?????  
  
Anyway, now that I'm here, I've got to leave, right? I don't know... There must be a few more places to dig around here! But I may come home for a visit soon.  
  
Anyway, I've got to go; I can hear glasses shattering downstairs...  
  
Bye,  
Akai Ku  
Egypt, Africa  
Fort Cairo, Holed Up In Her Little Room  
1926  
  
PS: Send the dingo and/or snake to:  
Miss Akai Ku  
Fort Cairo Hotel, Cairo (room 2A)  
Egypt, Africa  
  
PPS: Kuso! There's no burn lotion in 1926!!  
  
PPPS: It'll be great for Dilandau to have another friend! Even if he IS creepy....  



	3. Either the romance or the booze is makin...

  
  
Really!! Wow!! Congrats!!  
  
I bet that would be funny to watch, go ahead n' get him drunk.. let him   
wander around talking about mummies s'more. Who knows, maybe he'll utter a   
curse and that bald-headed guy will return.  
  
Yes. It's about.. hm.. 10 feet long and 3 feet wide. Dilandau says he'll   
add in the fire ants if you like. He's so.. cheerful now it's scary. I   
think he and the croc hunter have had a little bit to drink themselves.  
  
Tail? Ee!! I knew a guy like that named Trunks and he turned into a big   
monster on full moons. Hmm.. I wonder if they're related.  
I think there's gold in Cairo. Or magic lamps. Or is that Arabia?  
  
BJ  
  
PS: Snake is sent.  
  
PPS: Folken said he'd send it to you since you're in 1926. Obviously he's   
smart enough to figure out how to work with the time difference.  
  
PPPS: Dilandau's knocking over stuff. Uh oh.. Definitely inebriated.  
  
  
=======================================  
  
BJ:  
  
We do NOT want the bald guy to return. He'll come back in 1936. Trust me.  
  
Well, it turns out Evie said yes (shock!) and everything got so damn lovey-dovey around here I went down to the bar with Jonathan last night to get plastered.  
  
Hey BJ, y'know that feeling you get when you ride that new (or in my case, not-yet-built) Millennium ride at Cedar Point? Twenty times? In a row? After eating twelve Thanksgiving dinners? Only worse? THAT is the feeling of the hangover I just got over.  
  
You know, you'd think it'd be tricky for an underage female to get a drink in 1926, but I guess my 21st century knowledge and charm wowed them all into respecting me enough to give me a drink. Then again, it could've been the ten-foot snake.  
  
Tell Dilandau-samma that I thank him very much, and same to that croc guy. The snake is a rare cobra, a female, I think. I'll have to ask a naturalist.  
  
At the bar, Jon got very, very drunk very, very quickly. He started talking about camels... But nothing other than. On and on and on and on and on.... I was about ready to sic the snake on him! He was speaking of their color, contrast, bodily adaptions, habitat, ANYTHING! And it made no sense whatsoever! *sigh* That's just Jon, I suppose.  
  
I felt the effects after about my third shot of something called "Bourbon". I noticed the musical notes from the piano were physically visible, AND dancing around the room.  
  
I also found that Jon was making sense. Scary.  
  
Anyway, I must go and puke now. *yuck!* Hope to hear from you soon.  
  
Ja ne,  
Akai Ku  
Egypt, Africa  
Fort Cairo, Guest Room 2A  
1926  
  
PS: Give my regards to Dilandau, Folken, and Steve.  
  
PSS:'Specially to Dilandau.  
  
PSSS: I can't get ahold of Duo... Could you try and get ahold of him for me?  
  
=====================================  
  
Well. What can I say. First off Dilandau was very disappointed that some   
guy was kicked off Survivor, since he knew how to make fire and all that   
junk. I'm worried what will happen to the remaining members now.  
  
Speaking of which I saw the bald guy _on_ tv only about a day or two ago.   
Strange.. I thought I saw an Evie and Jonathan as well.  
  
Sounds like fun!! Me, I'm having quite an interesting time myself. Last   
night I had a strawberry daiquiri(sp?) and today I have two new tatoos, for   
a trial basis. On my wrist is a yin-yang and I have a black dragon on the   
side of my neck. Looks oddly cool come to think of it.  
  
Sounds like fun.. *hands you a barf bag* Don't listen to any music or move   
for the next 12 hours and you'll be fine.  
  
Dilandau is happy you liked his present. If you'd like, he'll send you a   
dingo as well. Although I don't know why he chose a dingo..  
  
I've got to cut this short, Folken and I AND hopefully Dilandau, if I ever   
drag him away from Steve, will be heading to Europe. If you'd like, we can   
come by Egypt and get you.  
  
BJ  
PS: I think Folken's figured out how to go past that 1926-2001 thing.  
PPS: Strange, the first thing Duo mentioned to me when I talked to him was   
about his own hangover.  
PPPS: Gotta go. Dilandau-sama wants to bring an alligator with him.  
  
  
  
  
===============  
  
Dear BJ:  
  
I'm fine now. Well, ah, other than the GAPING WOUND IN MY SHOULDER!!  
  
I'm having trouble deciding whether I want to go right now or stay for the wedding. Jon and Rick really want me to come ('specially Jon; He's a goofball, too!), and, ah, Evie sorta' bites her lip nervously. I can't imagine why, unless it was what happened yesterday....  
  
See, the three of them (Jon and Evie moreso than Rick) really freak out around _ANY_ sort of mummy these days (or those days? ACK, TIME-TRAVEL!!), so I always research "XX004" and "XX001" at night in my room. Well, Rick had gone out for the evening, and Evie had said she "could too be brave". One of those sickening lovey-dovey arguments...   
  
So anyway, last night this big FAT white cat crawled up on XX001, which would hinder cloning. I started groaning, and Cassandra (the snake) got hungry.  
  
Well, Ms. Carahan thought my groaning was a mummy, so she came in with one of her fiance's revolvers and fired blankly. Guess what?! She hit my right shoulder!! JOY! So, I said a VERY bad word (several, in fact), the cat screamed from the noise, puffing up, and Cassie took that moment to strike.  
  
Ooh, but it gets BETTER!!  
  
And that exact moment, me bleeding copiously, the cat screaching, and Cassie's fangs JUST drawing blood in its throat, lightning would HAVE to strike!!  
  
The image knocked Evie out, and then Jon came in. He laughed. LAUGHED. And I laughed too. And then I passed out from the pain.  
  
I woke up the next day; Rick was laughing his head off, too! Evie was appalled, but the guys DID remind her that _I_ was the one who had gotten shot, not her!  
  
I think I'll stay for a LITTLE WHILE.  
  
Ja ne,  
Akai Ku  
Egypt, Africa  
Cairo, A Holy Hell (aka, Fort Cairo)  
1926  
  
PS: Good luck in England!!  
  
PPS: My dumb-arse brother... *mumble grumble swear*  
  
PPPS: I would REALLY like that dingo ^^  
  
PPPPS: But don't rush Dilandau-samma!  



End file.
